Work, Shirk and All That

The definitive guide to being busy just being busy.

I should not be writing this column. After all, I am the boss for a lot of people, and part of my job is to see that they work as hard as possible. But then, I believe I am writing this as a service to the general working public: an advisory, guidelines gleaned through long experience.

How to get by in your job without working, while convincing everyone around that you are actually working your butt off. 

This is for the truly ambitious work-shirker. Because you have to wake up early, which is a pain, and reach office before anyone else. Leave a sign that shows that Kilroy was here, and go back home and take care of your sleep deficit. Acquire an extra pair of glasses, leave them on your table, and vamoose. Not only are you living it up, all your colleagues will know that you were at work while they were still brushing their teeth, causing them serious guilt. In winter, drape your jacket over your chair, and move on to the greener side of the grass. Better still, leave your PC/ laptop with its screen exhibiting some serious stuff: the Iran nuclear threat, or the Harvard Business Review. Choose the website right (it must be relevant to what you are supposed to be working on), and no boss will be left unimpressed with your flaming desire to add value to your knowledge base and your employer’s business. 

You don’t have the luxury of not being in office. Your boss is vigilant and has got tired of looking at your you-less jacket. Maybe he has some sort of genetic aversion to tweed jackets, which makes him more than a little averse to you. Which is unfair, of course, but such things happen; we are all human, and the resilient non-worker has to adapt to realities thrust upon him. So spend some time, and depending on your line of work, develop extremely complicated-looking Excel worksheets, or download some authoritative-looking stuff from the net and paste it in a Word document, and whenever the boss is nigh, stare at the files, look lethally thoughtful and start making some changes in the files. Caveat: do not use Powerpoint for these purposes. Bosses like presentations and may want to delve into it in detail and discover that it’s about earthmoving equipment, while you should be trying to sell more pet food.

Use the phone. Its full powers to empower have hardly been chronicled so far. When you see the boss hanging around needlessly, trying to justify his fat CTC, get on the phone and pretend to be having a business conversation. It is easy. Keep saying unclassifiable stuff like “Yes, that’s correct”, “No, I don’t think that is correct” or “Yes, I was about to come to that point”. As you get better at this, you will add nuanced touches like starting to say something (“Yes, but…”, “What I was…”) and then stopping because the fictitious person on the other end has cut in and continued speaking. 

Use the cellphone. When the boss looms, get up and walk away speaking on the cell. As you evolve, you will also learn to get one hand to shield your mouth, creating the impression that not only are you working, you are having a confidential conversation. And when you walk, don’t stroll; walk fast, as if you are going somewhere, as if you are moving with a purpose that meshes seamlessly with your company’s business targets. The result: you are out of your boss’ sight, having made the point that you are making a vital phone call, your PC screen shows the Brookings Institution website, leaving your boss no choice but to hassle some idiot who has been working like a maniac since morning. Boss is happy, you are happy, it’s win-win all around.

That’s the way to do it, folks. And now my people will know that they have to think up new ways to not work and appear busy. This column will push them to be more innovative, more creative, which can only add to their quality of output. If output is the right word.

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