Between the Bat and the Balls

Paddy Upton’s dossier to the Indian cricket team is not going to make them promiscuous. They always were.

The contents of the dossier to Indian cricketers are not a surprise considering that its author, Paddy Upton, married his wife in a Vedic ceremony at an ashram in India. The spiritual types are rather sexual beings. One gets the feeling the Uptons would have scented candles from Fabindia in their home.

The 40-year-old Upton, the mental conditioning coach of the Indian team, has provided rich material for comedians and columnists. Sunil Gavaskar, who abhors foreign coaches, their opportunistic assistants and their wacky ideas, dines on stuff like this. Upton, however, should be commended for writing about a personal, but all-consuming subject with a matter-of-factness and some playfulness. His advice has a right mix of elements. There is science, but not too much. No sex education documentary-type images of gelatinous pink membranes. There is fantasy, but it is not pornographic. His advice is also uncomplicated. Even players who think ‘testosterone’ has something to do with five-day cricket would understand.

Cricket and sex are different. In sex, bad light helps. You get away with your physical flaws. But in most other ways, the two activities are sides of the same bat. This is the case even in otherwise repressed India. As far back as in 1936, during the team’s controversial tour to England, when the great CK Nayudu and the unpopular Maharajkumar of Vizianagaram were at war, some Indian players reportedly made a name for themselves with their skirt-chasing. Indian cricket has lacked express fast bowlers and quality all-rounders but never Lotharios. In fact, you wonder why the headquarters of the BCCI are not in Khajuraho. Therefore, it is ironic in some ways for Upton’s notes to have generated as many headlines as it did.

The peccadilloes of Indian players do not shock. But sometimes, they annoy. I was once supposed to interview a famous Indian player at his room at the Taj hotel in Delhi. He let me in. There were others, mostly businessmen, who also held appointments. While we waited, the player went out. I did not mind. On the contrary, it was a weirdly amusing experience and a rare opportunity to witness a significant cricketer’s private environment in the lead-up to an important match.

When he returned, he met the businessmen. After everyone but I had left, two female friends of the player came to the room. “You wait outside,” he told me. I did not, interview be damned.

But at least he had stature, which meant sex came to his door. The ball came on to his bat. Lesser players, however, have to find it themselves and this can be hilarious to watch. They saunter around the hotel lobby, hands in the pockets of their True Religion jeans. They try to make it look innocent, as if it is most natural for hotel guests to go up and down the elevator for no apparent reason. But behind the façade of casualness is a desperation to score.

It is well known that travel gets us in the mood. And if you have influence and contacts, as cricket people do, you can enjoy some adventures. It is not just the players who have a good time on a tour. Even administrators with paunches and funny accents turn into charming seducers. It is said that during a tour to a first world country in the 1980s, an administrator indulged himself rather brazenly. His wife joined him midway through the tour. On the eve of her arrival, he pleaded with Indian journalists covering the tour to keep the secret.

Cricket boards have realised that wives are crucial for the sanity of their teams. In the Pakistan team, when the womanising reaches a critical point, when even the game ceases to matter, the Board sends the wives over. The players, their wings clipped, have no option but to behave and concentrate on the task at hand.

Upton’s dossier is not going to make cricketers any more promiscuous. They always were. It might put to rest the naïve fear that sex might negatively impact their cricketing performance. It will do one more thing. Cricket’s glossary has always lent itself to double entendres. Now, it will be more so. You can’t but chuckle when an insurance company commercial comes on air and Sehwag says, “Jab tak balla chalta hai, thaat chalte hain, varna…”

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