Love Is Plural

IT WAS ABOUT a decade ago when Neelesh was part of a few literature and philosophy clubs in Pune that he came across three individuals with whom he developed a rapport. One of them was a male, and the other two were women. The four became close friends, developed feelings for one another, and by the time two years had lapsed, they were all living together in a house.

To most individuals in the neighbour­hood, the four of them are friends, perhaps even two couples minimising costs by sharing an apartment together. But in reality, all four are closer to being a single family, every one in polyamorous relationships with the other three. “We just started by hanging out, discussing philosophy, and our outlook on life matched. That’s how it began,” says Neelesh when asked what attracted them to each other. Neelesh, who requested to be identified by his first name, is in his early 40s and works as an engineer in Pune. “We are quite open about it [their relationships]. We are like a small family,” he says.

Neelesh and his partners belong to a small subculture of individuals in India who identify themselves as polyamorous. Polyamory is defined as the practice of engaging in sexual and romantic relationships with multiple people, and many of its practitioners often also refer to it as ethical non-monogamy, to indicate how the practice has the consent of all participants and involves no secret affairs. The term however is woolly enough to incorporate a wide variety of practices and choices, so long as it involves more than two individuals. Some polyamorous indi­viduals practice hierarchies in their relationships for instance, where they bestow higher priority on particular partners. Some of them even have “nesting partners”, where they will have relationships with multiple partners, but live with a particular one. Then there are others who frown upon such notions of hierarchy, believing that a polyamorous group is one where each member is committed to every other member equally. Some will include swingers and couples in open relationships in their definitions of polyamory; others will not. The nature of polyamorous relationships also varies. Many relationships will involve sex, but sometimes it won’t, the partners instead finding emotional and romantic fulfilment from some or all of their partners. And while many practitioners view poly­amory as a lifestyle choice, where they feel they are not cut out for monogamy; a few identify polyamory as something deeper, something almost like a sexual identity. They cannot but—these practitioners say—be polyamorous. In recent years, many practitioners have begun to refer to themselves as “polycules”—a portmanteau for a “polyamorous molecule” —to describe the intricate and complicated structure of their relationships.

Polyamory of course isn’t new. People have carried on with multiple partners, usually discreetly, throughout history. But what has happened in recent years, with the growing accep­tance of diverse sexual orientations and lifestyle choices, is many individuals coming forward to identify themselves as polyamorous. This is particularly so in the West, where surveys find a large proportion of youngsters identifying themselves as polyamorous. There is increasingly a resonance here too. The polyamorous in India, especially the youths in its big metropoli­tan cities, now increasingly describe themselves as such on dat­ing apps and social media; interact with one another on social media and messaging platforms like Telegram; and hang out on polyamorous-only or alternative sexuality-only events at clubs.

“When I first came across this idea of polyamory, I thought, this is something men have come up with to have sex with ev­eryone,” says Aili Seghetti, who moved to India from the UK several years ago, and whose The Intimacy Curator provides a popular dating, intimacy and relationships coaching service. A large section of Seghetti’s clientele involves people who are polyamorous or couples in open relationships. She also often hosts events for polyamorous individuals, and until recently ran a number of Telegram channels where polyamorous individuals connected with one other. “Initially, when I began doing events for polyamorous individuals and others, I didn’t expect such a big crowd would show up. It’s been three years since we began doing events, and their large numbers don’t surprise me anymore,” she says. To Seghetti, the openness about polyamory and willingness to explore other forms of relation­ships has something to do with the larger churn in society. “The world is changing pretty fast and relationships are changing, divorce rates are skyrocketing,” she says, as she brings up how the young are more open to alternative lifestyles and how, even among older monogamous couples, women are increasingly un­likely to put up with a husband cheating on them and will look for the same sexual freedom. “Instead of divorcing, there is an option of actually opening up the relationship. Just because you’re bored of the person you’re with is not really a reason to leave the relationship. You can transform it into something else.”

Seghetti is herself polyamorous. She has a husband, based in the UK, whom she meets every three months or so. She has three other partners with whom she has asexual relationships. One of them is a male partner in India for whom, she says, she harbours strong romantic feelings; the other two are gay, and for whom, she says, she has queer platonic feelings.

Seghetti wasn’t always polyamorous. Raised as a Catholic, she says, she was suspicious when she first learnt about this concept. But this changed when she discovered that her husband was having an affair. “I was heartbroken. And it took a while for me to understand that there was something that was not quite working in the relationship and that’s why this happened,” she says. “I can’t tell what it is, but something just shifted then. And I felt maybe this whole thing doesn’t work, maybe monogamy isn’t working. Maybe, there is another way of dealing with this and then I started looking at it from the point of view of my needs. So, if I have emotional needs, certain logistical needs, or I have some physical needs that might not revolve around sex, why should I end the relationship?” Practising polyamory however can come with its own set of challenges. In polyamorous circles, the term “compersion”—where an individual, instead of feeling upset or threatened when his or her partner romantically or sexually interacts with another individual, experiences happiness in the partner’s joy—has come to resemble something of a relationship ideal. But, Seghetti mentions, this rarely ever takes place. Instead, there are often insecurities, pangs of jealousy and competition for a partner’s affection and time.

Some of this is understandable. Just the small task of making sure your partner is free from her commitments with her other partners so you can go out for dinner can sometimes be a nightmare. Aanchal Narang, the founder of Another Light Counselling,which provides mental health and counselling services, includ­ing to polyamorous individuals, says, scheduling a date night within polyamorous individuals could resemble organising a UN summit. “If you are dating three people and these three people are dating three other people, then it [organising dates] would be a logistical challenge, right?” she asks.

According to Seghetti, the myth of polyamorous being promiscuous couldn’t be further from the truth. “Polyamorous relationships are a lot of work, trust me,” she says. “I have no hobbies. All my free time goes into just managing [my relation­ships]. In polyamory, you are constantly explaining something to someone… So that’s the running joke [within polyamorous groups]. They say polyamorous people spend more time talking and communicating than having sex.”

The likes of Narang and Seghetti who work with polyamorous individuals to resolve issues in their relationships insist that communication and the setting of boundaries is of utmost importance. “You’re dealing with multiple human beings. It’s like being in an organisation. If you don’t set your boundaries, then everybody will come and throw papers on your desk,” Seghetti says.

For clients exploring polyamory, Seghetti usually hands them a detailed contract that lays down all the boundaries within the relationships and expectations from one another. “So, the contract will be very detailed. It will establish, for example, how many partners you already have. It will mention how much you want the other person to know about your partners. If there is sex, whether it is without protection? Also, how much do they want to know about your partners? What kind of communica­tion style do you have in the relationships? Like if you go on a date [with someone else], what kind of information does your partner want to receive? What is the logistics of that date? Are you going to come back home if you live together, or are you going to spend the night out? Does your partner want to meet the other partner?” she says. “It’s the sort of things people don’t really think of. But it’s important to have them on paper. Otherwise, you start creating a lot of resentment.”

Narang admits that polyamorous relationships can be stressful. “If you look at society, it’s framed in the lens of you falling in love with one person and being with them for the rest of your life. There is pressure to adhere to societal norms. When you realise those are expectations you can’t meet, it tends to put a certain level of stress and internal conflict amongst people. So, we work with resolving that and also equipping people with the adequate resources for that,” Narang says.

Stress points however frequently occur. “When my partner goes out on dates with other people, sometimes, there is discomfort and jealousy. You just have to work through it,” says Basit Manham, an edtech professional from Bengaluru who identifies himself as polyamorous. “Sometimes, it’s also just sadness. You and your partner used to have all this time together, and now, suddenly, your partner won’t have so much time for you because she will have to spend time with her other partner also. But these are feelings that can be worked upon. And over time, it gets better.” Manham identifies himself as a solo polyamorous, a term among the polyamorous that describes an individual who has intimate relationships with multiple people but who retains an independent or single lifestyle, refusing, for instance, to share a house, or not having a desire to reach traditional relationship milestones. Manham has been in multiple relationships running simultaneously over the years, some lasting for a few years and a few that fizzle out over months. But as someone who is solo polyamorous, he doesn’t view relationships that lasted longer as being more committed than the others. “I wouldn’t call it as like being in a primary relationship. It just happened that it lasted longer and we were spending more time together and the others weren’t,” he says.

Manham first began identifying himself as someone into polyamory around 2013. He was then in a committed monoga­mous relationship, but he couldn’t help developing feelings for others too. “We were going strong and quite fairly new to it, but I felt like I could easily also like other people,” he says. Manham opened up to his girlfriend, and the two broke up. But because there were no other issues in their relationship, he says, and even though Manham got into polyamorous relationships with others, the two resumed their relationship. Over time, he met other polyamorous individuals, especially when he became part of a popular polyamorous group called Bangalore Polycules, and with those encounters with people who shared similar prefer­ences, came relief. “I think the basis of all relationships is love. What is different with polyamorous individuals is they are able to have and express love for more than a single person,” he says.

Anupama, who requested she be identified by her first name and who is both polyamorous and a member of the kink community, is fairly well-known within polyamory circles. She has written a few books on BDSM using a pseudonym and also works as an English language teacher. She was initially monogamous and, she says, judgemental about concepts such as polyamory. But over the years, as she met more individuals and be­came more familiar with the concept, she began to embrace this polyamory, first as a preference and gradually as an identity. “It’s been a very hazy, very wondrous journey, and it’s been through… a number of phases and stages,” she says.

Anupama practices hierarchies in her polyamorous relation­ships, bestowing one partner more attention and primacy over others. This is something, she admits, that is frowned upon in polyamorous circles, because it is akin to looking at polyamory from a very monogamous lens. “But that’s what works for me. And what works for you, works for you, as long as I am being transparent in my communication and not playing games with you,” she says.

Over the years, Anupama has been in multiple relationships, some that have lasted for years. From a monogamous perspective, polyamorous relationships can be bewildering. She currently describes herself as not being in any active relationship, since she has been away from Delhi for some months, but, in some ways, she says, she could be categorised as being in relationships. “Do I have people whom I’m constantly in communication with, like I would be in communication with a boyfriend? Yes. Are there people who I update about my everyday life? Yes. But am I actively involved with someone? Three months I think is a sufficient time to say ‘No, there’s no relationship.’ But yes, there is a relationship in the sense that if your relationship has lasted you like three years, then three months is a blip, right? And then there are also people I see and who I feel very attached to, and who feel very attached to me, who take care of me, who I take care of in various different ways. Would you call that a relationship? I would because that’s how I feel.” Being in polyamorous relationships can also be a source of relief in unexpected ways. Anupama lost one of her partners to a disease once, but the presence of multiple partners helped each of them to process the grief better. “Having other people who love the same person and being able to  communicate with them is a lot of relief,” she says. “It’s not like I have only the family for support. I have other lovers too.”

There are complications like insecurities and jealousies, Anupama admits. However, according to her, many of these depend upon how mature the individuals in the relationship are.

Neelesh is familiar with many of these challenges. He often helps out polyamorous individuals who seek him out online for advice. Some of these challenges arise from the nature of polyamorous relationships, he says, giving the example of how a “throuple” with three s might be more imbalanced and difficult to navigate than a situation like his and his partners’ where it com­prises two males and two females. Sometimes, the challenges might reside outside the relationship, in the form of landlords, for instance, who are unwilling to give their homes to such a set of individuals. Neelesh is lately a bit apprehensive about this himself. A few of his partners have landed jobs in Mumbai, and all of them are now considering relocating to that city soon. “We have never faced an issue [living together] so far,” he says. “Perhaps, we might this time. We are keeping our fingers crossed.

About The Author

Lhendup G Bhutia

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