Quarantine Notebook

Like for most of us, when shoots were cancelled and a lockdown-like situation began, I thought it was just a measure of caution and it would last for no more than a few days. But, of course, it has probably been the longest time I, or for that matter so many others around, have spent time inside their homes. Over the past few years, there have only been a handful of times that I got a chance to spend time with the entire family including my son and daughter together and I took this as an opportunity to finally do that. It felt like I was back to playing the role of father and husband leaving all the other characters I usually lug around behind. I sit with them, study with them, read, sing songs, cook, sleep a lot.

However, I am also very restless when I’m not on set, and my wife Tahira would attest to that. I feel like a significant chunk of my life is disappearing when I’m not shooting. And though I have a few projects that will jumpstart the minute things go back to normal, I began feeling extremely unsettled about it. It’s funny how much depends on your everyday routine, or the ‘plan’ for the next few months that it becomes a conflict in your mind if things aren’t going the way they are supposed to.

I started spending time writing, playing the piano and creating something of my own. I have always been inclined towards writing poetry and what is happening around us gave me real reason to put my observations and realisations to paper. There are so many things we’d taken for granted before this, and I am someone who really tries to live the most basic and normal life despite being an actor, etc. But even for me the lockdown has put things into perspective, and I’ve been writing a poem every other day and posting it online.

I wrote something called ‘Humko sirf ghar pe rehna hai’ as a salute to every person who is not as privileged as I am, who is battling for life, struggling for food and a roof over his/her head in these times. My definition of superheroes has changed the last few weeks. We always knew that there are so many people working so we live our lives comfortably, but in the rut of life we don’t see most of them. The lady who cleans my home, the hands that cook for me, the man who guards my gate, the boy who brings me tea on set every day, they are the ones who are affected the most and I have been thinking and penning my thoughts down thanking and hoping that each one of them is safe today.

Other than that, my library and my piano are both spaces I spend a lot of time in because both books and music have the ability to calm me and transform my thoughts, if I’m feeling miserable. Interestingly, I realised that this April, we finished eight years of my very first film Vicky Donor. I called my director Shoojit Sircar and we just went back to the days when I was still struggling hard to break into the industry. He told me how he was almost 100 percent sure he would not cast me in the film and our first meeting was a sheer formality.  However, things panned out differently and exactly eight years ago this film called Vicky Donor that changed my life released.

This lockdown has made me even surer of the fact that I want to make films about the lives and dreams of the everyday man in India. His sacrifices, his hard work, his dreams that he may not shout to the world, they exist. A lot of people have told me that I am able to embody that common man, and I hope after all of this ends, I can go back to the set with more sincerity and more heart and reflect the stories of our people in my films. And if the world of cinema, and ethos of shooting films change, then all we can do is adapt to it. The need of the hour is to stay inspired, and I will continue to put my writing and my music out there as long as it helps even one person get through their day.

Like for most of us, when shoots were cancelled and a lockdown-like situation began, I thought it was just a measure of caution and it would last for no more than a few days. But, of course, it has probably been the longest time I, or for that matter so many others around, have spent time inside their homes. Over the past few years, there have only been a handful of times that I got a chance to spend time with the entire family including my son and daughter together and I took this as an opportunity to finally do that. It felt like I was back to playing the role of father and husband leaving all the other characters I usually lug around behind. I sit with them, study with them, read, sing songs, cook, sleep a lot.

However, I am also very restless when I’m not on set, and my wife Tahira would attest to that. I feel like a significant chunk of my life is disappearing when I’m not shooting. And though I have a few projects that will jumpstart the minute things go back to normal, I began feeling extremely unsettled about it. It’s funny how much depends on your everyday routine, or the ‘plan’ for the next few months that it becomes a conflict in your mind if things aren’t going the way they are supposed to.

I started spending time writing, playing the piano and creating something of my own. I have always been inclined towards writing poetry and what is happening around us gave me real reason to put my observations and realisations to paper. There are so many things we’d taken for granted before this, and I am someone who really tries to live the most basic and normal life despite being an actor, etc. But even for me the lockdown has put things into perspective, and I’ve been writing a poem every other day and posting it online.

I wrote something called ‘Humko sirf ghar pe rehna hai’ as a salute to every person who is not as privileged as I am, who is battling for life, struggling for food and a roof over his/her head in these times. My definition of superheroes has changed the last few weeks. We always knew that there are so many people working so we live our lives comfortably, but in the rut of life we don’t see most of them. The lady who cleans my home, the hands that cook for me, the man who guards my gate, the boy who brings me tea on set every day, they are the ones who are affected the most and I have been thinking and penning my thoughts down thanking and hoping that each one of them is safe today.

Other than that, my library and my piano are both spaces I spend a lot of time in because both books and music have the ability to calm me and transform my thoughts, if I’m feeling miserable. Interestingly, I realised that this April, we finished eight years of my very first film Vicky Donor. I called my director Shoojit Sircar and we just went back to the days when I was still struggling hard to break into the industry. He told me how he was almost 100 percent sure he would not cast me in the film and our first meeting was a sheer formality.  However, things panned out differently and exactly eight years ago this film called Vicky Donor that changed my life released.

This lockdown has made me even surer of the fact that I want to make films about the lives and dreams of the everyday man in India. His sacrifices, his hard work, his dreams that he may not shout to the world, they exist. A lot of people have told me that I am able to embody that common man, and I hope after all of this ends, I can go back to the set with more sincerity and more heart and reflect the stories of our people in my films. And if the world of cinema, and ethos of shooting films change, then all we can do is adapt to it. The need of the hour is to stay inspired, and I will continue to put my writing and my music out there as long as it helps even one person get through their day.

–As told to Divya Unny 

Ayushmann KhurranaCoronavirusCovid-19lockdownpandemic