The Great Indian Heat Stroke

WITH DUE APOLOGIES, I have come to the conclusion that we as a nation are extremely stupid about the democracy we so wondrously cherish. You must be truly innocent to believe that people are all excited about going out to vote in searing temperatures. If the vitriol of each of the contestants doesn’t kill you, the heat will, or certainly, the body odour will also do its bit.

Which person truly believes elections at this time of year are the best thing to happen to India? No man (or woman) in his or her right senses can actually think this to be a good idea. You have people going berserk in their utterances and you can safely blame it on the heat. Add to that some clowns who believe in telling us what food the candidates are eating, and you have a recipe for disaster (no pun intended), which is played out on both national television and digitally to boot.

Then you have a bunch of messages from the so-called celebrities (I know of many who wouldn’t be recognised by their own doorman) urging us to vote for the first time. I just can’t comprehend what they are saying. Everyone happily shows you the finger and you are supposed to rejoice and perform the dance of democracy. Voting is just one of the things expected of citizens and is not the sole purpose of our existence.

For God’s sake, this is an election but only we in India can make a festival of it. Ask any commoner what they think of the elections and their outburst will pretty much sum up the national mood. The folks at the Election Commission believe alcohol around voting and counting day is bad for democracy, hence there are a number of dry days. When will they realise that if they allowed people to drink and vote, the choices would be far more sagacious and the pain of voting far less? Do you really want to tell your friends and family that you voted for some unworthy person when you were sober? Would that relay help your reputation?

Then of course there is the violence that goes with our elections. Bengal has always led the roost when it comes to poll violence. I think this is the only time that the average Bengali replaces literature with the lathi and then rejoices in wielding it. I have never ever seen a peaceful election in Bengal, no matter which party is in power or in opposition.

Temples and mosques run to the brim with every politician rushing to them to tell us how pious they are. The criminals are out in full force giving interviews with a battalion of their rogue guards standing behind them, not to mention all the has-been film actors who will tell you about the number of years they have been voting for.

Frankly, Indian elections are now boring. Even the TV anchors are bored. I mean how many times can they interview the prime minister or Prashant Kishor or make Rahul Gandhi sound bright? I genuinely feel that India must take a breather: why don’t we extend the term of the next government to 10 years, cancel all ensuing state elections, and extend their term as well? Shut down Rajya Sabha and disband the Election Commission of India, and thereby reduce national abuse and stress? Or, since the people keep blaming Narendra Modi for the demise of democracy, why don’t we just ban elections?

Given some of the outlandish drivel we are hearing in this election, how dangerous can the above suggestions be? All we need to do is to convince the judiciary that this is a good idea; then get a couple of Sweden-based YouTube blokes and have some anti-establishment portals support this so that even the left-liberals will endorse it.

The only people who will be out of a job are studio-based journalists, but they can always become prolific YouTubers.

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