Catch Me If You Can

How the whereabouts SMSes of cricketers to the World Anti-Doping Agency might read.

The new existential question is ‘Where am I?’ At least for Indian cricketers, who, as we have been reading, are getting ‘pissed off’ by the World Anti-Doping Agency’s (Wada) whereabouts clause. If they accept the rule, they will have to notify where they are for an hour each day, every day of the year, three months at a time. The only easy part of this is that the information can be sent by SMS.

The players in the testing pool are MS Dhoni, Sachin Tendulkar, Virender Sehwag, Gautam Gambhir, Yuvraj Singh, Irfan Pathan, Munaf Patel, Zaheer Khan and Harbhajan Singh (Jhulan Goswami and Mithali Raj of the Indian women’s cricket team form the not-so-famous rest). We took a good hard look at incidents in their life and their personality type to predict what their SMSes could possibly look like.

Yuvi: If you are a lady Doping Control Officer, I could be at your place or mine.

Bhajji: At home taking tuitions for spelling. Need to. Everyone who has been to my blog says so. It’s that sentence I wrote: ‘And yes people are giving example of greats like Fedrar and Nadal, Ussain Bolt and Lance Armstrong.’

Irfan: I will be at the nets learning to bowl with my right hand because I don’t know how to do it with my left.

Mahi: I will be at the Rolex showroom. Have asked a sponsor to buy me the model I’ve been thinking about. Won’t be at sponsor’s event if he refuses.

Sachin: Will be home. Tour’s over, so not practicing strokes in my sleep. Reciting the recipe for fried Bombay Duck instead.

Viru: Will be on top of the big water tank near my house in Delhi. If you show up, I’ll jump. (Just curious about this, if Thakur from Sholay had been a sportsman, how would you get a sample from him?)

Gautam: Will be at the foot of the water tank near Viru’s house. Before he jumps, I want the number of the guy who is treating him for hair loss.

Munaf: Who am I? Where am I? What is cricket? What is Wada? What the hell is happening around here?

Zak: Give me a break, will you? Why don’t you guys go to Brussels instead and test the Mannekin Pis statue? I’ve seen that statue. He is pissing the whole day. Why me? Alright, alright, if you insist, I will be at the gym, trying to lose all that weight I’ve gained playing IPL in South Africa.

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