The pleasure Deficit: Are the Young Having a Hard Time With Good Sex?

 DISHA HAS NEVER had an orgasm—at least, not with a man. “When I masturbate, I can have an orgasm in 30 seconds (on a good day). When I’m hav­ing sex, however, it’s a different story.” Disha can only have clitoral orgasms, not vaginal ones, but tell that to a man, and it’s either an insult, or a challenge. “The few men I’ve told always believe they’re the exception—they will be the heroes who will change how my body climaxes. Or they think there’s some­thing wrong with me,” she rolls her eyes. Her solution has been to stop talking about it altogether. “I either fake my orgasms, or tell him that using my vibrator during sex makes me come harder.” The lie persists in her cur­rent relationship. “We’ve been together six months but I haven’t had the heart to tell him.”

Faking orgasms may not seem like a common experi­ence in 2025, when conversations about sex are so ubiq­uitous. If pop culture is used as a barometer, there has never been more content centred around sex—a nexus of podcasts, several popular TV shows (both Indian and international) on the subject and genre literature. Sales metrics offer a similar assessment. A report by Grand View Research in 2023 valued the India condom mar­ket at $861.3 million, with expected growth at a CAGR of 11% from 2024 to 2030. Sex toys and wellness products, too, have increased exponentially; a ResearchAndMar­kets 2025 report values the segment at $112.45 million in 2024, having grown steadily since the pandemic.

All of it indicates that Indian millennials and Gen Z are at their sexual peak. And yet, there seems to be a chasm.

Most of us, it seems, are not having good sex.

Few things make us as vulnerable as the act of sex. Anxiety around intimacy is normal–and often gendered, clinical psychologist and couples therapist Sakshi Jain notes. “For men, performance anxiety tops the list. They worry about not lasting long, not getting an erection or not being able to satisfy their partner. This pressure cre­ates a loop where anxiety makes the very thing they fear more likely to happen.” Leeza Mangaldas, content

 creator, sex educator and co-founder of Leezu’s, a sexual wellness and intimacy brand, gets hundreds of DMs about performance anxiety from men, “as well as worry that their partner is not en­joying it or confusion about how to please someone. A lot of men also feel the silent pressure to be the initiator every time, which becomes exhausting and very lonely.”

For women, the fear can range from a lack of pleasure and difficulty reaching orgasm to pain during penetration and part­ners who rush or take their orgasms for granted. “Many women also describe feeling shy to ask for what they want because they grew up internalising that wanting pleasure is inappropriate,” Hanna Strömgren Khan, co-founder of Leezu’s says. Jain adds body image issues to the list; extremely common amongst her clients. “Many feel self-conscious about their stomach, thighs, skin, or stretch marks.”

THE FEAR OF rejection, however, transcends gender: say­ing ‘no’, asking for something new, or expressing discomfort can feel risky. People also fear emotional vulnerability, sex isn’t just physical; it exposes insecurities, desires, and unmet needs.

Sex can carry a degree of pressure, but the reasons vary from men to women. Amongst her clients, Jain has found that dissatis­faction in the bedroom is linked to a number of factors including feeling unheard, unseen or just disconnected from their partners. “When emotional closeness isn’t there, it’s no surprise that physical desire fades,” she says. Another major issue she encounters is inadequate arousal, with many women feel­ing like they need to be okay with sex that is too rushed without like warm-up, touch or enough communication. Strömgren Khan notes her research has found that women of­ten pressure themselves to “orgasm quickly or fake it, to ‘behave’ a certain way, to look perfect, to not take up too much space, or to not ask for adjustments even when something hurts.”

Men, Mangaldas adds, often pressure themselves to be “constantly aroused”, to last a specific number of minutes, to be the one in control or to somehow intuit what their part­ner wants without being told. “These pres­sures pull people into their heads instead of their bodies.” The fix is to focus on sensation rather than performance, and to create a cul­ture of communication where it is normal to speak up. “Ask for changes, or laugh when things get awkward,” she suggests.

Jain, too, lists “‘lasting long” as one of the top concerns she sees among clients and a need to perform flawlessly or somehow know everything about sex without any guidance. This leads to anxiety, making it even tougher to perform. “A big part of this problem stems from poor sex education: most men didn’t learn about female anatomy, emotional intimacy, or how important communication is for desire,” she says. When one recalls the sex-ed classes most of us had in school, split into giggling ‘girls’ and ‘boy’s sections where we were taught the bare minimum about anatomy through a diagram-riddled slideshow and no room for follow-up questions, this assessment adds up. This is a gap hard to remedy with reading erotica or binge-watching Sex Education on Netflix.

There is, naturally, a connection between the things going on in our lives outside of the bedroom and within it. Fatigue, bad work days, worrying about chores, the kids or finances, can all find their way in. Often, the rigours of day-to-day life can make sense feel like another chore on that never-ending to do list. “Stress, burnout from work, parenting fatigue, and tension in relationships; they all take a toll. When life feels too much to handle, sex can start to feel like a burden rather than a source of enjoyment. People aren’t unhappy because they lack a desire for sex; they’re unhappy because they crave connection, safety, communication, and pleasure, but hardly ever get them all at the same time,” says Strömgren Khan, noting that a rut usually forms when people assume they already know everything about their partner. Curiosity fades, novelty disappears, and sex gets squeezed between chores and bedtime. “Try new sensa­tions, new fantasies, or new roles,” Mangaldas offers as solutions. “Share a desire you have never said out loud. Desire grows when there is anticipation, playfulness, and emotional closeness. Even small experiments create freshness.”

As a therapist, Jain has often encountered a difference in desire between couples. “But libido mismatch isn’t a sign of incompat­ibility; it’s incredibly normal,” she says. “Desires naturally fluc­tuate due to stress, hormones, emotional connection, parenting demands, past experiences or simply personality differences. The real issue isn’t the mismatch itself, but how couples respond to it.” The first step she advocates for is removing blame. There is no ‘correct’ level of desire. “Couples need to understand each other’s patterns,” she says. “For a lot of individuals with lower libido, the issue is not a lack of interest in their partner, but being overwhelmed, exhausted or needing emotional intimacy first. For those with higher libido, the struggle is often feeling rejected or unwanted.” The key is for couples to approach libido mismatch as a team problem. “When both partners feel emotionally safe and respected, desire tends to become more aligned over time. If the mismatch persists or causes distress, therapy can help un­cover deeper factors like resentment, trauma, or health concerns.”

We also form bad habits, which can start to rot our sex lives— consciously or unwittingly. Mangaldas has observed people treating sex like a goal-oriented activity rather than a shared ex­perience, rushing foreplay, falling into a “porn script” instead of reading each other’s cues, avoiding difficult conversations and relying on the same positions or routine. It turns sex into a loop instead of something playful. Jain sees sexual habits developing quietly. “A common issue is avoidance, where one or both part­ners steer clear of intimacy because sex has become a source of stress, anxiety, or discomfort. This can lead to couples going to bed at different times, scrolling on their phones instead of connect­ing, or simply putting distance between them to dodge the ‘pos­sibility’ of sex. Over time, this can create a tough cycle to break.” Another pattern she has observed is colloquially termed ‘duty sex’; one partner agrees to be intimate out of obligation. “A lot of people also find themselves silently dissatisfied, not voicing their needs, discomforts or curiosities. As time passes, this can foster resentment, and sex may start to feel like a mechanical routine.”

Some may try to resolve this problem with a heavy reliance on porn for stimulation. “There’s no problem with watching porn, but when it's consumed excessively or in secret, it can change expecta­tions and make real-life intimacy feel less exciting or emotionally fulfilling.” Mangaldas suggests slowing down, staying curious, and couples checking in with each other regularly to prevent these hab­its forming. “Sex is relational; it’s not about performance, it’s about presence. If you catch yourself doing things on autopilot, pause and ask, ‘What would feel good for both of us right now?’”

There has also always been a stigma around the idea of sched­uled sex—it may seem strange to decide to make love at 3pm on a Saturday. But life doesn’t always allow for spontaneous, surpris­ing sex, nor does it have to be an either/or situation. “Scheduling sex is not unromantic. It is practical,” says Strömgren Khan. Jain agrees. “It can remove pressure and makes space for desire to grow. “But schedules must be flexible, not robotic.

SHAME IS OFTEN built into the sexual narrative for Indi­ans. “Many people grow up hearing that sex is dirty, desire is dangerous, and ‘good’ people do not talk about these things,” says Mangaldas. The result: adults who freeze during intimate conversations or can feel guilty for wanting pleasure. And then, there’s gendered conditioning. “Women are taught to prioritise the partner’s pleasure over their own. Men are taught to be the initiators and ‘lead’ constantly,” Strömgren Khan says. Sticking to these scripts creates strain and resentment on both sides. “A simple example is how many women tell me they can­not say ‘slower’, ‘softer’, or ‘not like this’ because they worry it will hurt their partner’s ego,” Mangaldas adds. “This silence is entirely cultural conditioning.”

The cultural hesitance around openly discussing pleasure creates patterns especially for women who quietly put up with experiences that don’t hit the mark for them. It may be a physical activity, but sex also requires dia­logue. “Couples should carve out time, even just once a month, for honest conversations about what’s working or not in their sex life. Discussions about desire, discomfort, fan­tasies, or boundaries can help avoid misun­derstandings,” says Mangaldas. If verbal con­versations are difficult, she suggests texting instead. “Share articles, reels or even a menu of ideas. Communication is a skill. You build it through small, low pressure conversations, not one big serious talk.”

Experts agree that putting all the pressure for a great sex life on our partner is the biggest mistake people make. Having great sex starts with knowing what makes you feel good–and that includes self-exploration. Jain believes it’s important to cultivate healthy solo habits, in­cluding masturbation or porn usage. Mangal­das and Strömgren Khan have also developed toys, at their brand Leezu’s, to help people enjoy their own bodies and expand sexual menus. “Toys add novelty, help partners un­derstand each other’s bodies, encourage communication, and reduce pressure on performance. They create more ways to ex­perience pleasure together,” they say.

A narrow definition of sex will always feel frustrating to ful­fill. Jain suggests expanding our understanding of it to include more than just consummation. As she says, “When intimacy is varied, sex stops feeling like a looming expectation.”