Infidelity in the Digital Age: It Was Just a Kiss, Darling!

 MAKING A CALL FROM HER HUSBAND’S PHONE, Dia saw a message flash across the screen, “Lovely weather! Have you started for office yet?” It was from ‘M’.

Alarm bells went off, accompanied by myriad imag­ined scenarios. Nothing professional about the message; nothing overtly romantic or sexual either. And yet the fa­miliarity of the tone, the assumption of his schedule, the anticipation in the question was cause enough for dis­comfort. Someone was waiting for him. And why ‘M’?

A quick, compulsive peek inside his WhatsApp revealed a lightly flirtatious exchange between a man and woman engaged in a razor-edge game of flirtation, the interaction hovering perilously close to an affair, but still open to interpretation in its ambiguity. There was no evidence of lunches, no stolen afternoons or any secret rendezvous outside office.

Was he having an affair, or just being his usual warm, pleasant self with a col­league? What should she do? Should she confront him, or just keep a close watch for any further development? It would be so easy for him to say, “We just chatted—so what? It doesn’t mean anything!”

Years ago, infidelity had a simple definition—a physical act of sex outside marriage. There was no ambiguity. Temp­tation required physical proximity, and when cheating occurred, it left tangible traces. Today, a spouse may be in bed with you, and yet be avidly exchanging flirta­tious messages, private jokes, intimate pictures, or seeking emotional succour from someone outside the marriage. Technology has brought infidelity into our bedrooms—temptation now lives in phones and screens—always accessible, easy to discover, but just as easy to deny!

Adultery has touched us all in some form or other. Everyone knows someone who has pushed the boundaries or crossed the line—even if we are not sure any more where that line lies. Adultery no longer dances tantalisingly around the fringes of marriage; it resides uncomfortably at the core—discussed, debated, denied and negotiated—sometimes even tolerated— but almost always publicly condemned.

This raises an uncomfortable ques­tion—if so many people are cheating, why does infidelity still provoke outrage? In an era that celebrates individual autonomy and personal choice, why are we so unfor­giving towards this one transgression? Per­haps because even as boundaries blur and temptations multiply, we still cling to the idea and expectation of love and the hope residing in the vow—till death do us part.

What constitutes cheating has moved far beyond physical betrayal into emo­tional, psychological and even highly subjective realms. Once law, religion and society were united over what infidelity meant and its consequences. Now there is no such clear definition, nor consequence.

Marriage itself has evolved beyond a social contract arranged by two families, into an intimate bond defined by the com­patibility, choices and emotional needs of two individuals. Partners increasingly select each other based on similar goals, emotional connection, shared values and personal fulfilment. With this develop­ment, the boundaries of commitment and betrayal have also changed. No longer governed by solely social and legal codes, couples now define their own rules.

Openness and communication remain the foundation on which a marriage rests. For today’s couples—particularly the younger ones—infidelity is not so much about sex. Infidelity is when the partner invests time, attention and emotional en­ergy elsewhere—sending out late night texts or sharing vulnerabilities. Lying, gas­lighting, rewriting reality, or making the partner feel “crazy” for sensing something amiss are deal breakers.

This expanded understanding of inti­macy started in the late 20th century, along with growing conversations around self-hood, emotional wellbeing and therapy culture. Marriage was no longer just a duty to be endured, but an equal partner­ship expected to offer psychological safety, intimacy and growth. World over, expecta­tions changed accordingly.

For the first time, emotional neglect, lack of mental stimulation and absence of intimacy were considered just as dam­aging to a marriage as a physical affair or abuse. Fidelity was no longer defined as just physical, but also emotional and psy­chological. Intention mattered, not just action; attention became as important as behaviour. The rule was clear: one’s pri­mary emotional allegiance was within the marriage, not outside.

The turn of the century brought the digital age with emails and chat rooms, and with them came new ways in how intimacy and betrayal unfolded anony­mously and invisibly, not requiring physical proximity or shared beds. Cou­ples struggled to define new boundaries: Was cybersex a betrayal? Was flirting on text harmless? Was emotional intimacy worse than a one-time physical fling? Suspicions crept in as secret passwords, erased messages and midnight chats took over.

Smartphones and social media ush­ered in the most insidious shift yet, intro­ducing ‘micro-cheating’—small, seem­ingly harmless acts such as secret texting, hiding messages, excessive online flirting or misrepresenting relationship status. These acts may not fall in the category of a full-blown affair, but still betray trust and cause emotional distancing.

This ensured that infidelity is no longer an interruption; it exists as a continuous parallel presence. Novelty, excitement and validation are always within reach, gradually siphoning time, attention and emotional investment away from mar­riage. Betrayal is no longer a single trans­gression but a pattern, unfolding in plain sight, slowly eroding intimacy long before it is acknowledged.

The paradox is that though infidelity may have become harder to define, it has also become easier to practice. Constant access, opportunity and discretion—the hallmark of modern life—create fer­tile grounds for emotional and sexual entanglements.

And yet, despite its wide prevalence, infidelity remains strongly condemned. Add to that the fact that moral and reli­gious values equate cheating with sin, and even those who transgress feel com­pelled to publicly condemn it in others. Collective outrage reaffirms moral be­longing. The outrage to the uncovering of an extra-marital affair is immediate and vicious. The July 2025 kisscam scam at a Coldplay concert in Massachusetts became a global cultural flashpoint when Andy Byron, CEO of the tech firm Astronomer and Kristin Cabot, its HR Head, were caught in a close embrace on the stadium screen and forced to resign from their respective positions.

Ironically, though infidelity contin­ues to provoke intense moral outrage, research shows that the number of peo­ple straying is growing. Reliable data on infidelity is scarce because definitions vary (sexual, emotional or digital), and also because cheating is heavily stigma­tised. However, multiple studies suggest that roughly one in four relationships worldwide has experienced infidelity. Surveys such as the Durex Global Sex Survey indicate that 20 to 25 per cent of married people globally have admitted to infidelity at some time in their lives.

Indian data reflects the same paradox seen globally. The 2025 Gleeden–IPSOS survey found that even as love and companionship remain central to relationships, a significant number of urban Indians are open to sexual encoun­ters outside their primary partnerships. Around 52 per cent of respondents in Tier 1 cities and 54 per cent in Tier 2 cities ex­pressed comfort with such experiences. What is changing, clearly, is not desire— but how openly it is acknowledged.

Negotiation has become the defin­ing feature of modern intimacy. Today’s couple relies less on expectations and rules imposed, and more on dialogue, truth and personal autonomy. Monogamy is not assumed automatically; it is treated as a choice that must be periodically reviewed and revisited. Relationships are shaped by two individuals who decide what works for them, not by social expectation. And so, exclusivity itself is being redefined and negotiated by both partners. The same sur­vey also suggests that emotional intimacy outside the relationship is increasingly ac­ceptable as a supportive or supplementary connection—and it is not equated with infidelity.

As couples resist being judged by rigid norms, we must not look at this as a moral decline, but rather as emotional realism. They are seeking alignment with who they actually are, rather than who they are ex­pected to be. Intimacy, once governed by certainty, is now fragile, flexible and continu­ously under revision.

Studies show Indian women have also reported infidelity at comparable rates to men, or even slightly higher. Although adultery was decriminalised in India in 2018, it still remains a ground for divorce and influences maintenance decisions, because of which perhaps many couples choose to live apart rather than divorce. This mirrors in India’s very low rate of divorce—cited at one per cent. This is no reflection on India’s fidelity rates, but on the societal pressure to keep a marriage going anyhow. And so, infidelity, rather than being openly and honestly addressed, is mostly negotiated behind closed doors!

Now, if a quarter of the world’s popula­tion has admitted to adultery, it would be interesting to know who are these people and why do they cheat? Contrary to popu­lar belief, most extramarital affairs are not conducted by those unhappy with their marriages. Studies have shown that a sig­nificant number of those having affairs reported marital satisfaction. Therapist Dr Deepak Raheja recounts the case of his client Radhika (name changed), a mar­ried woman having an affair with a single colleague. When her lover Sudeep asked Radhika to walk out of her marriage and marry him, she was taken aback. “Why would I ever do that?” she burst out. “I am completely happy in my marriage with my husband and children!” A stunned Sudeep could only ask her why was she with him in that case.

This is how Dr Raheja explains it, “It is common that even in a happy marriage, a woman may seek an affair not because she wants to step away from the marriage, but to satisfy her unmet needs, which could be emotional, psychological or physical. Sometimes it is nothing more than look­ing for the adrenaline rush that an affair brings. In an affair, one often looks for thrill and visibility, or validation.”

Dr Raheja comments that though in­fidelity breaks many marriages, he has also seen several couples rebuild once the dopamine rush has abated and per­spective returns. In one case, the wife of a wealthy man decided to leave him when she discovered he was being unfaithful. After some therapy sessions however she decided to stay and renegotiate the relationship. Six months later, their marriage was stable once more, but with a subtle shift in power dynamics, which she found very satisfying.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel argues in her book The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity that modern couples are expected to satisfy conflicting needs: security and adventure, stability and freedom—and these are the tensions that create the fer­tile ground for infidelity. She quotes psy­choanalyst Stephen Mitchell, “We crave security and we crave adventure, but these two fundamental needs spring from differ­ent motives and pull us in different direc­tions throughout our lives—played out in the tensions between separateness and togetherness, individuality and intimacy, freedom and commitment.”

Acknowledging this duality is critical. An affair is not always the sign of a bro­ken marriage—though sometimes it is. A partner’s betrayal may have nothing to do with you; or it could expose fractures that have been ignored. Ending a marriage is not always the first option; to forgive and rebuild could be another. These may be uncomfortable issues, but it is important to pause and reflect. The worst thing to do would be to reduce your reaction to just a single moral verdict.

Betrayal changes shape each time we redefine marriage and commitment. The moment you are called upon to explain yourself is also the moment that questions the foundations of your relationship. “It was just a kiss, darling!”Or, “Nothing re­ally happened—it was just plain texting!” These are not apologies; they are nego­tiations that reveal how far infidelity has travelled—from a clear moral breach to a grey negotiable space; from something that ended marriages to a space where couples pre-negotiate, discuss, debate or just endure. And yet one thing is clear— infidelity still needs to explain itself.

“It was just a kiss,” they say. And yet, in that fleeting contact, an entire world of expectations, boundaries, betrayals and negotiations is brought into question. No matter what you negotiate, the human desire for the forbidden, the thrilling and the unknown, will manage to find another way to challenge it.

Desire, loyalty and curiosity are no longer opposites but parts of the same ne­gotiation—one we navigate together— but never as finality. More like a shifting shadow. The kiss lingers, not as a crime or confession, but as a quiet testament to how intimacy in the digital age has quietly rewritten itself. Once again.