No trespassing please, Trump is listening to ‘HIS’ voice

Why can’t God talk to world leaders? It’s not just a metaphorical question I am putting before you, dear reader.

George Walker Bush, the son of George Herbert Walker Bush, both American presidents, had told a Palestinian delegation in 2003, within months of the US-led invasion of Iraq in 2003, that he was on a mission from God when he launched the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq.

Now, you might point out that it was said at the Egyptian resort of Sharm el-Sheikh where one is in a holiday mood. So what? The disclosure by the Palestinians to the BBC refuses to go away. “I am driven with a mission from God,” Bush was quoted as saying. It appears God told the former US President, “George, go and fight these terrorists in Afghanistan … George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq.”

You are biased if you respond that ‘Gods must be crazy’ is only the title of a movie. Apparently, it isn’t so as we hit the learning curve about the lives of the high and mighty.

I decode your smirk. Now you are going to water down this serious chat and ask something like this: What do they talk about? Are they like us, a bit raunchy in boys’ club settings and cocktail circuit chats, or are they worse, raunchier than we can ever imagine?

It is here that I am going to bring in someone to revive your memory. Tony Blair, former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, the shrunken version of the empire where the sun never set, also had a conversation on religiosity with Bush. To know more about the Palestinian statement, the eager British media asked him about Bush Junior’s fire in the belly, as inspired by conversations with the father or the son or the Holy Ghost. But the gritty Brit, who knows how to keep a secret a secret (what is wrong with being a man who has many secrets to keep and things to hide?) neither confirmed nor denied knowledge of it.

Yes, I agree with you: Blair possibly had more than one reason. He knew that he was no Moses to avoid being consumed by “burning Bush”. Flames do hurt him, and he knew.

Although not about God, Blair had a lot to say about the fire inside himself. Yes, we are getting there, those testosterone-driven exploits. Long before, his wife Cherie told us proudly about her man being the carnal equivalent of a race car driver – who can it be, Ayrton Senna? No, because he died and so our Indian sensibilities wouldn’t allow us to drag him in here. Yeah, Michael Schumacher. Oh no. Indian sensibilities, again. After a freak 2013 skiing accident, he has been in a vegetative state. Let’s not talk about him here either. Who else then?

Maybe we can settle on Lewis Hamilton. The knighted Brit on a Ferrari. Yes, that is the impression both the husband and wife had given us about their love life, notwithstanding decades of familiarity. See, it is possible. I will tell you why. Someone, a man of letters, I assume, had talked about the familiarity of strangeness. Let’s reverse it, the strangeness of familiarity, which essentially means despite all the familiarity, you see a strange person in bed every day, or night. That is worth imagining. It doesn’t look too good to be true.

You must agree with me here.

Blair the Brit told us once that he would do it to his wife five times a night. Relentless passion, as though the partner was like the Houri who doesn’t sweat or defecate and is dedicated to a dead martyr.

I know. You said it without saying. There is a problem here and some things don’t add up. Wasn’t this Blair the same guy who told his countrymen the biggest lie of this century – that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction? He lied to us once, so let’s not fall into that trap this time around.

My submission to you is to leave aside conjectures about divine powers of seduction and endurance. Let us examine other conversations with God.

Take Donald Trump, the real one, for instance. He was the late Epstein’s friend. He is Putin’s well-wisher who specialises in telling the truth on Truth Social. So what? How is it funny?

Trump trumpets his own glory, you mean to say. I am warning you never to say it, to be on the safe side of ICE when you land in the US next time. In fact, for purposes of self-preservation, you must subscribe to my view that he has skills that need to be trumpeted.

Again, you are asking all the wrong questions. I will give you your own list of queries. Isn’t he the one who said he brandished the tariff threat to get India and Pakistan to end their limited war? Yes, he is. But let’s look at the positives. Positives, I tell you! New Delhi has repeatedly denied any such thing. But did those denials make him angry? No. He takes things in his stride. He is accustomed to that, as evidenced by the piece of advice he gave when Macron found himself slapped. “Close the door,” Trump said, as if speaking from vast experience. He spoke like a pro. See, cat got your tongue.

Believe me, like his obsession with truth, Trump also has some connection with the voice of God. To be frank, none of us knew it until the American ambassador to Israel, Mike Huckabee, revealed it to him in a text message, which the humble and God-fearing President found it wise to share on Truth Social.

Truth shall triumph for Trump is a great slogan. Like Gandhi’s experiments with truth, exactly. If Gandhi could project himself as the Thomas Alva Edison of truth, why can’t Trump be the Beau Brummell of truth? Does anyone have a problem with it? If you do, be warned, you’d better get a new pair of glasses to see the ICE-ing on the cake.

Again, these trolls are at it. Someone has called my poor Mr Huckabee a “deranged Armageddon cultist”. How nasty! How can you even say such things? Don’t you have a conscience? Who are you, after all? Whoever you are, you deserve no mercy! Go read Dante’s Inferno. Don’t you remember what the great Christopher Hitchens said in The Missionary Position? You don’t. He said this – and write an imposition a hundred times; no, don’t show me; read it a hundred times after you have written it – “As to what is owed to God, that is a matter for those who have faith, or for those who at any rate are relieved that others have it.” Go, write it in your crawly handwriting one hundred times and disappear into your reeking hidey-hole.

Only the pilgrim knows his progress, or hers or theirs. The same logic applies to men of God. And the believers, too. Which is why, can you contest, most Christian conservatives saw the battle for the White House as a Holy War, ahead of Donald Trump’s victory? Can’t you see that their vision went beyond politics? You don’t? What are you smoking? Let’s end that debate here. I am telling you, it does. Miracles do happen.

What did Huckabee text our Donald that was wrong? “You have many voices speaking to you Sir, but there is only ONE voice that matters. HIS voice.” He also said what you are aching to blurt out: “No President in my lifetime has been in a position like yours. Not since Truman in 1945. I don’t reach out to persuade you. Only to encourage you.” Now you are going to remind me of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Go watch a horror movie. Why are you always obsessed with history? Live in the moment, dear reader. I will tell you now. Mike also wrote, “I believe you will hear from heaven and that voice is far more important than mine or ANYONE else’s.” Capitals are not mine.

Huckabee didn’t say his President was God. Which means your argument that the President has a God-complex falls flat. Yes, flat like the Maldives. End of argument. You lost both the battle and the war. Go home and get a well-needed shut-eye, go to where you came from, you incorrigible sceptic, you.

(This piece is meant in good humour. No offence intended)

Donald TrumpGeorge Herbert Walker BushGeorge Walker BushhumourUS politicsWeb Exclusive