Fiction: The Slumber of Deep Desire
“WHY DON’T WE FALL IN LOVE?”
Priya stared at Prabhakaran cluelessly. He tried to put up a smile and then walked off fast. They had met near the narrow path behind Karikulangara temple. Priya was returning from college and Prabhakaran was on his way to town. Even from a distance, she had noticed his big smile and wondered why. And she heard his question before the wonder waned.
“Bro, please wait.”
Prabhakaran stopped walking. Priya went up to him.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing.”
He shook his head.
“Are you sure?” Priya raised her voice.
Not knowing what to say, Prabhakaran looked around.
“Say it again.”
“I said it inadvertently,” he mumbled in a whisper.
“Can you say things like that inadvertently?”
“No.”
“Then?”
Prabhakaran didn’t reply. Priya waited for his answer.
“Tell.”
“It was a mistake.”
“What mistake?”
“I am sorry,” his voice went lower.
“Do you remember what you said?”
He nodded yes.
“Then why did you say you didn’t say anything?”
Prabhakaran took a deep breath. Lowered his face.
“Tell me, bro.”
“I said it inadvertently,” he repeated.
“Did you feel so when you met me now?”
“No.”
“Then?”
Prabhakaran stood silently for some time before speaking. “I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time.”
“Long time?” Priya broke into a laughter.
“Yes,” Prabhakaran mumbled weakly.
“For how long?”
“Two, three years.”
“And you are saying it now?”
Prabhakaran’s heartbeat quickened.
“Why so late?”
“Please forgive me,” Prabhakaran said, as if touching her feet.
“That’s all for later. Now answer this.”
Prabhakaran stood without uttering a word. Only the sound of the wind caressing the peepul tree came and went.
“I want to know.”
“I didn’t have the courage.”
“You have it now?”
Prabhakaran raised his head. His look wandered aimlessly.
“Didn’t you hear me?”
“Yes.”
“Then tell me.”
“I said it inadvertently.”
“You already said that. Answer the question I asked now.”
“I said it in a moment of boldness.”
“So, now you have lost it?”
Prabhakaran nodded.
“Do you remember what you said?”
“Yes”
“What did you say?”
“That I love you.”
“But that was not what you said.”
“No.”
“Then?”
Prabhakaran stammered, “I said, why don’t we fall in love?”
“How old are you, bro?”
“Fifty-four.”
“Do you know how old I am?”
“Twenty-three.”
“Last month I turned twenty-four.”
“Sorry.”
“No need to say sorry again and again. What is the age difference between us?”
“Thirty.”
Priya looked at him for some time and said, “I will tell you the rest later. Now you may go.”
As she started leaving, Prabhakaran said, “Don’t feel angry with me. It was a mistake. Forgive me.”
“So you were lying when you said you love me.”
“No.”
“Then?”
“I just blurted out what I felt.”
“Now it is not there?”
Two school kids came cycling, Priya and Prabhakaran moved aside. The cycles whirred past between them. Not knowing what to say, Prabhakaran gazed at them till they disappeared around the corner.
When there was no reply coming, Priya told him he need not answer now, butcould do it later. She walked towards her home.
Priya’s house was a few houses away from Prabhakaran’s. When she was in school, it was Prabhakaran who clarified her doubts in maths.
He had been on his way to meet a friend in town. He went but didn’t feel like meeting his friend. Instead, he sat in Indian Coffee House till it closed. He drank many cups of coffee, and intermittently felt like vomiting. His mouth filled with a bitter taste.
He lied to his wife that he had eaten out and so didn’t want dinner.
“Priya was here waiting for you all the while,” said his daughter.
When Prabhakaran walked to his room as if he didn’t hear it, his daughter followed him.”She has something to tell you, it seems.”
Prabhakaran turned and asked, “What?”
His daughter went back saying she had no clue.
In bed, as he turned around unable to sleep, his wife asked, “What happened? I’ve been noticing ever since you came back.”
He couldn’t immediately think of a lie. So he said, “Nothing.”
“Tell me what it is.”
“Nothing at all.”
Padmini got up and switched on the light.
“You have started lying to me?”
Prabhakaran did not reply.
“Tell me.”
“That is...” Prabhakaran was not very adept at lying but he managed to mumble, “I met Varghese when I went to town. He was asking for one lakh rupees loan for his daughter’s education.”
“Oh, that’s all. Give it.”
“But. Should I?”
“He asked because he doesn’t have money, isn’t it?”
Padmini switched off the light and lay down. Prabhakaran could not sleep. As if she had woken up suddenly, Padmini said, “Priya was here. She wanted to tell you something.”
It was late when Prabhakaran went to sleep. So he also woke up late.
“Dad, Priya called. Her parents have gone for a marriage. She asked if you could go there? Or, should she come here?”
“I will go there.”
While brushing his teeth, Prabhakaran remained thoughtful. The lonely battle of the brush inside his mouth went still many a time. While bathing, he rubbed soap repeatedly on certain parts of his body like a man who had amnesia. He went through the motions of breakfast and got up.
The windows of Priya’s house were all closed. Perhaps hearing his footsteps, she opened the door. Prabhakaran went in. Priya closed the door.
“Why close the door?” Prabhakaran asked hesitantly.
“I haven’t had anything. Let us sit in the dining room. Better not to keep the door open.”
Prabhakaran nodded.
“Had breakfast?” Priya asked, serving herself food.
“Yes.”
“Want to take a bite?”
“No.”
Priya started eating. Prabhakaran sat scratching on the table with his index finger. “Give me an answer to what I asked you yesterday.”
Prabhakaran looked at her dumbfounded.
“Whether your love is gone now?”
“I told you, it was a mistake. Forgive me. I will touch your feet”
“Ayye. No need for all that. Tell me yes or no, that’s all”
Prabhakaran took a deep breath and said, “Hmm.”
“Are you scared?”
Prabhakaran did not reply.
“Is it so?”
“No.”
“So you are not afraid?”
“Yes.”
“Then how come you lost your love?”
“When I got scared.”
“In that case, would one lose one’s love for someone?”
Not knowing what to say, Prabhakaran joined his hands and said, “I made a mistake.”
When she saw him sitting there with folded hands, Priya felt like laughing. She gave him water to drink. Prabhakaran drank it.
While she was taking the plate to wash, Priya said, “Do you consider whatever you said as a big mistake?”
Prabhakaran felt that her words carried a maturity that was beyond her age. He did not reply. Priya came back and said, “Come let us go upstairs and sit in my bedroom.”
“No. Let us sit in the living room.”
“Why not sit in the bedroom?”
“Not that. If someone...”
While climbing upstairs, Priya said, “Tell them we are in a relationship”
Prabhakaran stood there without uttering a word.
“Have you any problem saying that?”
Prabhakaran held fast to the handrails of the stairs as if for support.
“Don’t just stand there. Come up.”
Priya switched on the AC and closed the door.
Both of them sat for a while without talking.
“What if I had told you I too loved you?” Priya asked
“I don’t know.”
“That’s a lie! Won’t you love me? Tell the truth.”
Prabhakaran nodded.
Priya laughed. Prabhakaran didn’t look at her face.
Stretching her legs on the cot, leaning against the wall and putting a pillow on her lap, Priya asked, “How would you have loved me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Make a try.”
After thinking for a while, Prabhakaran said,” I would come and see you everyday.”
“Then?”
“I will talk to you.”
“What will you talk about?”
“The day’s happenings.”
“Then?”
“I will buy you gifts.”
“What kind of gifts?”
“I know you paint. I will buy you paint, canvas etc.”
“Then?”
After brief silence, Prabhakaran said, “That’s all.”
“Is that all?” Priya asked, surprised. “You don’t want to hug and kiss me and all?”
Prabhakaran nodded, no.
“Do you want to hug and kiss me now?”
“No.”
“Why is that?”
Prabhakaran didn’t say anything. Priya got up from the cot. She took both his hands and stood him up.
“Are you really in love with me?”
Prabhakaran stood looking down.
“Look at me.”
Prabhakaran did not raise his head.
“Tell me, do you like me?”
Prabhakaran stood saying nothing, his head bowed.
“Come on, tell me, if you really feel love.”
Prabhakaran’s reply slid into a whimper. Then it turned into crying. And the crying became loud. Priya released his hands. Leaning his shoulders on the wall, Prabhakaran began to sob.
Priya said, “There is no need to cry.”
Without listening to her, Prabhakaran went on crying. When the sobs subsided, Prabhakaran said in a trembling voice, “I want to go home.”
Springs of sweat broke from his forehead. Priya wiped his sweat with her palm.
“Your body is feeling very hot. Do you have fever?”
Like a child, Prabhakaran repeated, “I want to go home.”
Priya told Prabhakaran, whose face had not yet recovered from crying, “Shall I tell you something?”
Prabhakaran nodded, sobbing.
After thinking for a while, Priya said, “Otherwise, leave it.”
Before he passed the front door, Priya gave that feverish-hot forehead a kiss.
She thought Prabhakaran would look back as he walked away. Prabhakaran didn’t.
(Translated by CS Venkiteswaran)